I’ve had blogs before, but never really stuck with it. I don’t know why I don’t just journal things, but somehow it seems that this reaching out is more satisfying or fulfilling. I don’t even want anyone I actually know to see this. But it seems worth it just to put this out there in space, maybe connect with someone else who knows what this is like, because it is so damn lonely.
I feel like I’ve aged decades in the past couple of years. Life’s challenges have been flying thick and fast. Life has always been a bit of challenge having grown up with a bi-polar narcissist for a mother. But you grow up, you get older, you find friends, and start to feel that life is gonna be ok…
Then that mother and your half-brother move in with you, your mother moves out because you can’t stand having her in your sacred space, your husband has an affair with a narcissistic sociopath you thought was your friend, your half-brother who you helped raise and has been living with you comes out (which is lovely), but then is immediately admitted to the county psychiatric center for suicidal thoughts, he loses his job, his direction, and his goals and resents you for being able to keep your sh*t somewhat together, the Vespa you won in a sweepstakes gets stolen two days before Christmas, you discover that your husband is a sex addict and had at least one online affair before and during the physical affair and that he has been visiting chat and extreme (read, illegal) porn sites, you spend thousands on lawyers in the hope he won’t go to jail, your longest friend (one you’ve had since you were 11 when you still had all those lovely childhood dreams and who has been helping you deal with the trauma of your husband’s affairs and addiction) dies from a possibly non-accidental prescription drug overdose, your husband gets in a wreck and totals your car, your house gets broken into and robbed (twice in one year!), a lovely friend you met at the memorial service for your oldest friend commits suicide, you’re thousands of dollars in debt because of everything you’ve been going through and your husband’s unemployment, your husband’s staggered disclosure of porn addiction and online affairs goes on and on, tearing you apart every single time and destroying your trust all over again, and you wonder how you carry on and keep on living.
It’s rough. I can’t help but feel that this is some sort of cosmic joke. It’s so awful I can’t help but laugh at its absurdity. So karma…wtf did I do to bring this on?