So the friend from my last post emailed me on Saturday to tell me that she “knew what happened” and that she would not even entertain an apology from Jay. She said that we had a “difference of opinion” and that she would like to continue to be friends.
But how can I remain friends with someone who wouldn’t even listen to an apology from my husband that she accused of rubbing her leg with his in what she felt was an unwelcome lascivious manner? It’s a bit more serious than a difference of opinion. And it jeopardizes everything I’m working for with Jay. So I explained that I needed her to hear him out, or I wouldn’t be able to remain friends. She only replied “OK” and unfriended me on Facebook, which is pretty final in this day and age.
I am not and don’t want to be one of those women who blindly defends her husband, because that’s how abuse continues. I have tried to look at this as logically as possible and this just doesn’t make any sense at all to me. Intentionally rubbing a freshly married lady’s leg with his own in a lascivious way is just not something he does or has ever done, even in his worst moments. Rubbing her leg with his was something that could have happened by mistake. My “friend” is acting like Jay ran his hand up her leg or groped her boob or something. I can’t believe she would refuse to even listen to an apology for unintentionally making her uncomfortable.
But to each her own I suppose. All I know is I don’t need that kind of additional drama in my life. Things are dramatic enough as it is with the addiction recovery. I’m sad that I’ve had to lose so many friends in the past few years but I simply will not tolerate manipulation by anyone any longer, not by Jay, my mother, my brother, or any friends.
So a friend called me on Wednesday night to tell me that at her wedding reception the previous Saturday, while she caught up with Jay briefly towards the end of the night as we were all getting ready to go, Jay apparently rubbed his leg against hers twice and she felt uncomfortable. I didn’t quite know what to do with this information so I thanked her for telling me and talked to Jay about it. He was righteously angry because he didn’t remember ever touching her inappropriately, or even close to it, at all and he has become particularly sensitive to behaving appropriately now that he’s in recovery.
I believe him. It’s not in his MO to touch someone who is primarily a friend of mine and that he barely knows. All of his APs have been primarily friends of his, except for one who was equally a “friend” of us both. They were also all consensual. All of his APs participated freely in his infidelity even though they had previously voiced opinions against infidelity (but when you’re lonely and feeling low, a charming man full of compliments can be very persuasive). It’s also not in his MO to approach someone at their wedding reception, especially someone that he has voiced some trepidation previously about their mental stability.
At the same time I feel she has a right to her feelings but it makes it extremely awkward for me. So I asked Jay to apologize to her. He talked to his therapist about it and he feels Jay should apologize also even though he’s not actually at fault. It is the bigger more mature thing to do.
I texted her last night to tell her that I had spoken to Jay about it and that we both felt it had been an accident and that he would like to apologize. She said it wasn’t necessary and wanted to think about it. I told her how I felt caught in the middle and how I felt that her being made uncomfortable needed to be addressed even though I believed the leg rubbing was an accident and that he may not even have realized it was her leg, or that, because he has such a little sense of personal space, that he had not realized he had violated hers.
She merely replied that I shouldn’t feel caught in the middle and that she understood what I was saying but she wanted to think about it. I get that but I make up that she still feels like Jay’s a pervert who gets off on rubbing freshly married women’s legs. Even though he is a pervert (sex addict right?), I feel like this makes it difficult to continue a friendship with her. I feel like she is turning out to be a drama queen who enjoys playing the victim and that her focus on Jay as a victimizer is unhelpful to our individual recoveries.
I feel like I attract people who are needy and unhealthy. I can’t seem to find friends on a similar health level to me. I either find friends who are seemingly healthier and I become the needy unhealthy friend, which I dislike, or I find people who are needier and unhealthier who try to drag me down into their drama.
It’s extremely frustrating and feels very lonely. I just want to be on an even keel with some friendly peers. I have a few friends like that, and I guess I should focus on fostering my friendships with them.