So back in November Jay and I drafted up and signed an abstinence agreement. We were both going to be completely sober and refrain from any sexual activity for 120 days. Last week Jay came to me asking me to supply the password for the filter he’d loaded onto his phone because he’d been tempted to look at porn during our abstinence period. This got me to thinking so on Tuesday night I asked him if he had masturbated or looked at porn. He said he had. I was stunned.
“How many times?” I asked.
“A few.” Sigh. Anyone who lives with an addict knows that answers like these mean quite a bit more than a few.
“I told my therapy group and SAA meetings.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I’m still trying to learn how to tell the truth.”
Really?? How old are you?? 36? Or 5?
At first I decided that we would have to extend our abstinence period but I didn’t want to say that we’d have to sleep in separate beds. We’ve never slept in separate beds except when living in different cities so it seemed a little extreme. I told him he needed to tell me about any breaks in sobriety within 24 hours or we would definitely be sleeping separately.
The next day I spoke to the ladies in my therapy group. Thank god for B and Jo. They advised me that I needed to keep the attention on his breaking our agreement and lying to me about it rather than letting him divert the conversation to how I reacted. They also talked to me about boundaries and how to define and defend them.
In the end I told him that I needed him to be completely sober for 90 days or I was filing for divorce. I said that I deserved a sober and honest husband. I would like for it to be him but if he can’t give me that, I’m done.
He understood, agreed, and offered to stay in the other room. I took him up on it. I think that surprised him. I don’t think he expected me to actually ask for us to sleep separately. Then I went climbing with some friends, came home, and took a nice relaxing bath.
He’s been sad and depressed about it and I have too, but I also feel liberated. I have always perceived my bedroom as my safe place and I didn’t realize before how unsafe I’ve been feeling there with him in it. Now it’s my safe place again.
I had a dream last night that someone was setting fires to intimidate me. I knew and told them though that I was descended from a fire elemental. Then I ran through the fires to show them and they were amazed. Aw yeah.
Boundaries & consequences can be so difficult – I just blogged about this the other day and also did a follow up blog. Maybe it will help you to look at it:
Yes your post was so right on and much needed at the time. It really helped. Thank you so much for posting!