Depression Overload

So the first D-Day was two years ago on Tuesday, July 19, 2011, when I learned that my husband had been sleeping with a “friend” of ours. The second D-Day was in February, 2012 when he finally admitted to me that he was a sex addict and told me about most of his acting out over the years. Since then we have been working hard on our marriage and ourselves, and going to marriage therapy. In the spring, I felt like we were finally getting somewhere, that things were getting better and that there was some real hope for us. The summer has pretty much blown that feeling to smithereens. It turns out that we were just starting to pretend again like we had before when we were naive and unwilling to acknowledge our problems.

He had several slips and at least one relapse over the summer. I don’t know if it was the depression from the season, because summer will be forever marred in my mind from the first D-Day and thus always depressing, or if it was my traveling without him, but he relapsed pretty badly, and in the process I discovered some things he had been lying to me about still, even after two years. So we both slipped back into pretty severe depression and we haven’t been happy since.

I’m working on it. I’m working really really hard. My doctor has since diagnosed me with Pre-Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder so I know that’s at least part of the problem. But I am also working on thought-stopping, loving myself, and telling that awful, critical, demeaning voice inside my head to just stfu.

He’s still so depressed, though, that it feels kind of selfish and self-absorbed to me. He talks about how he thinks he ruined too many things and has destroyed our marriage. Sometimes it seems like he’s determined to ruin us just to prove a point about what an awful person he thinks he is and how badly he thinks he screws everything up. It’s crazy making and so utterly frustrating.

I say that he just destroyed the image that we had built up of our marriage. The problems were still there, we were just hiding from them and pretending they didn’t exist until they turned into a rotting foment of trouble. I say we still have hope but only if he’s willing to work at it and go see a CSAT and go to SA meetings. I keep telling myself that I can’t control him or his behavior. I just have to work on myself, loving myself, healing myself, with the hope that this will help my marriage and that he will work on himself as well.

5 thoughts on “Depression Overload

  1. I am sorry to say that being able to salvage a marriage with a sex addict is really tough and in my personal experience not many succeed. I wish you luck. Just as a ps, you must have your dates wrong on the post – You must mean July 2011! FT

    • You’re right! I did mean 2011.

      Salvaging this marriage I think will be one of the most challenging things I ever do. Actually, salvaging myself will be the challenge. The marriage will follow or it won’t.

  2. It can ONLY work if he does his part. If he is unwilling to go to therapy and meetings then he’s telling you that he has no intention of stopping his behavior.

    You, on the other hand, have an obligation to yourself to continue your life. Whether he gets help for his addiction or whether he doesn’t, that should have no bearing on what you do with your health, mental and physical.

    More importantly, you need to ask yourself if this is how you want to live your life. Sex addiction is rough. I think more for the spouse than the person with the addiction. It’s hard enough when the addict is doing everything they can to control their addiction. It’s next to impossible when they aren’t.

    • Thank you, you’re right. I ask myself if this is how I want to live my life everyday. He was managing his addiction by himself fairly well, but with the relapse, I asked him to go to a therapist and start going to meetings or I was going to have to ask for a separation. That was about a week ago and he went to another meeting last night and is calling therapists today, so there are some positive signs. He’s depressed about needing therapy, but I can’t invest myself in that. He’s got to take care of it himself. I told him I won’t make any major decisions for six months so he has until April 1, and then I will reassess where things are at and if staying in this marriage is the right thing for me.

      • That is perfect! I’m so glad that you are seeing through rational eyes and not love eyes. You’re right, you can’t worry about his healing, you can only support him in it. He will either do it, or he won’t.

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