How does one surrender? I wrestled with this thought last night, the idea of this particular step in the recovery process. I feel I am in quite a bit of denial. I don’t want this to be my life. I don’t want an abusive mother. I don’t want a deadbeat brother. I don’t want my friend to have died or her friend to have been so unhappy that she committed suicide. I sure as heck don’t want to have a sex addict for a husband. I especially don’t want all this pain, insecurity, and fear. I don’t want any of this, and yet it is all a part of my life. It has all helped to make me who I am today despite the fact that I don’t want it. I have to accept it because there is no going back to what was before and I can’t change any of it. I can’t control it. I can’t go back in time like that goofball in Just In Time ( though he is pretty cute. Man do I have a thing for gingers), and change all the missteps or mistakes or decisions I or anyone else made.
Even though I feel like this is not how things are supposed to be, I keep reminding myself of one of my favorite tales by Lao Tzu – One day an old farmer had his only horse run away and so he was unable to plow his fields. “What terrible misfortune!” His neighbors said, but he just shrugged and smiled. A few weeks later, the farmer’s horse returned and brought with him dozens of wild horses, increasing the man’s wealth a thousand fold. “What great fortune!” The man’s neighbors proclaimed, but again, the farmer simply shrugged and smiled. Soon after, the farmer’s son broke his leg when he fell off while trying to tame one of the wild horses and so was unable to help on the farm for many weeks. Once again the farmer’s neighbors cried, “What great misfortune! You have had such bad luck!” Again, the man shrugged and smiled. A few weeks later, the emperor entered a war with his neighbors and conscripted all the able-bodied young men for his army. But the farmer’s son couldn’t be forced into the army because of his broken leg. The farmer’s neighbors exclaimed, “What good luck!” The man just smiled and shrugged.
So I am trying to keep that story in mind. You never know what will be good or bad luck in the end. Perhaps this journey will lead me somewhere wonderful.