Today Jay was complaining about going to therapy and having to talk about our issues at home. He didn’t want to do it and was dreading it.
“Why?” I asked.
“Because I’ll feel vulnerable and I don’t like feeling vulnerable.”
All of a sudden a light clicked on in my head. Of course! How did I not see it before? He’s so afraid of being vulnerable that he doesn’t let anyone ever really get to know him. Who is closest to making him feel vulnerable? Me. He has always kept me at arms length even at his most affectionate (and he can be extremely affectionate). All of his acting out has been to keep from feeling vulnerable. He’s always said that he’s lied to me because he’s afraid of me, but really it’s because he’s afraid of feeling vulnerable. He acts out to push me away and avoid feeling vulnerable at all costs.
What a realization. It really blew my mind. He talked to his therapist about it at his appointment and the guy basically confirmed it. He came back and apologized for lying and treating me the way he has and said that even though he didn’t like it he supported my decision to have him sleep in the other room and thought it was a good idea. He supports me establishing my boundaries and realized how wrong he’s been about so many things. He said he wants to show me that he can be vulnerable with me.
Breakthrough? I don’t know, but it feels good.