So the holidays were kind of rough. First there was the drama with my former friend, then my mother-in-law came to town briefly, our program and therapy schedules were disrupted, and then came the final kicker, we were purposefully excluded from a NYE party that many of our friends were going to because the one acquaintance who was inviting everyone knew that Jay’s last AP was going to be there and this guy is still friends with her. It triggered me something fierce, and Jay, who was unable at that point to face the shame he felt at the pain his choices have caused, just kept saying, “Don’t you think you’re being negative? Try to see the positive!”

“Positive????” I wanted to scream. “What in hell is positive about this?” I just felt like he was criticizing me and I was ashamed of being triggered so I just got worse and started hitting myself. I hate it when I get like that but rather than turn all that emotion on other people it’s easier to just abuse myself in an effort to get my mind off the torturous pain I’m feeling. At least I don’t cut myself anymore. I have all sorts of scars from doing that in my teens and early twenties.

After group therapy yesterday I realized that I stayed with Jay for so long through all kinds of horrible things, because it was a better deal than what I got with my mom. My mom was blatantly abusive. Her bipolar disorder causing her to write me songs of how I was “the best song her heart ever wrote” one minute and then spit in my face and tell me I was worthless the next.

Jay’s push-me-pull-me game was far more subtle and there was a lot more love there than with my mom, so I settled. “At least,” I thought in my abuse-addled brain, “he doesn’t hit me or call me names.” He just turned his back on me repeatedly and when I needed him most. He just betrayed me and my trust in him in some of the most violating ways, endangering my health, emotionally, mentally, and physically.

When my mother was in jail when I was 22, my half-brother came to live with us for a couple of months. Our grandmother had rejected him and the son of the people from her church that first took him in bullied him so he came to live with me. I was a 22 year old trying to take care of a 13 year old. I had no friends of my own where I lived. I was overwhelmed and so lonely and instead of supporting me, Jay turned his back on me and increased his acting out with his AP at the time.

It made me so sad for myself to think that I was so ill treated as a child that I settled for a slightly less blatantly abusive relationship as an adult. I usually shrug off people’s pity and compassion for what I grew up with but I also never offered myself that compassion.

I talked to Jay about this last night and you know what he said? He said, “I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you when you needed me. It’s no excuse but I was a little boy and didn’t know how to handle things. I hope to become more of a man and to be there for you the way you need me to be in the future.”

Wow. That seems like a really mature response. And it meant a lot to me so I thanked him for it and told him how much it meant to me. Maybe there’s some hope for us after all.

So the friend from my last post emailed me on Saturday to tell me that she “knew what happened” and that she would not even entertain an apology from Jay. She said that we had a “difference of opinion” and that she would like to continue to be friends.

But how can I remain friends with someone who wouldn’t even listen to an apology from my husband that she accused of rubbing her leg with his in what she felt was an unwelcome lascivious manner? It’s a bit more serious than a difference of opinion. And it jeopardizes everything I’m working for with Jay. So I explained that I needed her to hear him out, or I wouldn’t be able to remain friends. She only replied “OK” and unfriended me on Facebook, which is pretty final in this day and age.

I am not and don’t want to be one of those women who blindly defends her husband, because that’s how abuse continues. I have tried to look at this as logically as possible and this just doesn’t make any sense at all to me. Intentionally rubbing a freshly married lady’s leg with his own in a lascivious way is just not something he does or has ever done, even in his worst moments. Rubbing her leg with his was something that could have happened by mistake. My “friend” is acting like Jay ran his hand up her leg or groped her boob or something. I can’t believe she would refuse to even listen to an apology for unintentionally making her uncomfortable.

But to each her own I suppose. All I know is I don’t need that kind of additional drama in my life. Things are dramatic enough as it is with the addiction recovery. I’m sad that I’ve had to lose so many friends in the past few years but I simply will not tolerate manipulation by anyone any longer, not by Jay, my mother, my brother, or any friends.

So a friend called me on Wednesday night to tell me that at her wedding reception the previous Saturday, while she caught up with Jay briefly towards the end of the night as we were all getting ready to go, Jay apparently rubbed his leg against hers twice and she felt uncomfortable. I didn’t quite know what to do with this information so I thanked her for telling me and talked to Jay about it. He was righteously angry because he didn’t remember ever touching her inappropriately, or even close to it, at all and he has become particularly sensitive to behaving appropriately now that he’s in recovery.

I believe him. It’s not in his MO to touch someone who is primarily a friend of mine and that he barely knows. All of his APs have been primarily friends of his, except for one who was equally a “friend” of us both. They were also all consensual. All of his APs participated freely in his infidelity even though they had previously voiced opinions against infidelity (but when you’re lonely and feeling low, a charming man full of compliments can be very persuasive). It’s also not in his MO to approach someone at their wedding reception, especially someone that he has voiced some trepidation previously about their mental stability.

At the same time I feel she has a right to her feelings but it makes it extremely awkward for me. So I asked Jay to apologize to her. He talked to his therapist about it and he feels Jay should apologize also even though he’s not actually at fault. It is the bigger more mature thing to do.

I texted her last night to tell her that I had spoken to Jay about it and that we both felt it had been an accident and that he would like to apologize. She said it wasn’t necessary and wanted to think about it. I told her how I felt caught in the middle and how I felt that her being made uncomfortable needed to be addressed even though I believed the leg rubbing was an accident and that he may not even have realized it was her leg, or that, because he has such a little sense of personal space, that he had not realized he had violated hers.

She merely replied that I shouldn’t feel caught in the middle and that she understood what I was saying but she wanted to think about it. I get that but I make up that she still feels like Jay’s a pervert who gets off on rubbing freshly married women’s legs. Even though he is a pervert (sex addict right?), I feel like this makes it difficult to continue a friendship with her. I feel like she is turning out to be a drama queen who enjoys playing the victim and that her focus on Jay as a victimizer is unhelpful to our individual recoveries.

I feel like I attract people who are needy and unhealthy. I can’t seem to find friends on a similar health level to me. I either find friends who are seemingly healthier and I become the needy unhealthy friend, which I dislike, or I find people who are needier and unhealthier who try to drag me down into their drama.

It’s extremely frustrating and feels very lonely. I just want to be on an even keel with some friendly peers. I have a few friends like that, and I guess I should focus on fostering my friendships with them.

How does one surrender? I wrestled with this thought last night, the idea of this particular step in the recovery process. I feel I am in quite a bit of denial. I don’t want this to be my life. I don’t want an abusive mother. I don’t want a deadbeat brother. I don’t want my friend to have died or her friend to have been so unhappy that she committed suicide. I sure as heck don’t want to have a sex addict for a husband. I especially don’t want all this pain, insecurity, and fear. I don’t want any of this, and yet it is all a part of my life. It has all helped to make me who I am today despite the fact that I don’t want it. I have to accept it because there is no going back to what was before and I can’t change any of it. I can’t control it. I can’t go back in time like that goofball in Just In Time ( though he is pretty cute. Man do I have a thing for gingers), and change all the missteps or mistakes or decisions I or anyone else made.

Even though I feel like this is not how things are supposed to be, I keep reminding myself of one of my favorite tales by Lao Tzu – One day an old farmer had his only horse run away and so he was unable to plow his fields. “What terrible misfortune!” His neighbors said, but he just shrugged and smiled. A few weeks later, the farmer’s horse returned and brought with him dozens of wild horses, increasing the man’s wealth a thousand fold. “What great fortune!” The man’s neighbors proclaimed, but again, the farmer simply shrugged and smiled. Soon after, the farmer’s son broke his leg when he fell off while trying to tame one of the wild horses and so was unable to help on the farm for many weeks. Once again the farmer’s neighbors cried, “What great misfortune! You have had such bad luck!” Again, the man shrugged and smiled. A few weeks later, the emperor entered a war with his neighbors and conscripted all the able-bodied young men for his army. But the farmer’s son couldn’t be forced into the army because of his broken leg. The farmer’s neighbors exclaimed, “What good luck!” The man just smiled and shrugged.

So I am trying to keep that story in mind. You never know what will be good or bad luck in the end. Perhaps this journey will lead me somewhere wonderful.

The Monday before last my husband sat me down and said that he had something to tell me. He said that it was going to be really hard to say and to hear, but that he loved me more than anything and he wanted me to know that this was not about me, but about his addiction and his failures. Then he proceeded to tell me that almost fifteen years ago when we were still dating he had carried on a year long affair with a friend of ours who was dating one of his best friends. At that time in 2000 she eventually ended the physical affair when she became engaged to her boyfriend, though the emotional affair continued on for several years.

This was a woman who I had always had suspicions about and asked my husband about because of her close friendship but with whom he had always denied having a physical affair. Since D-Day he had acknowledged he had an emotional affair with her, but he repeatedly denied having a physical affair.

Despite my suspicions, I had thought both of them were better people than that. I had thought they would have the decency to think about other people besides themselves. My husband was one of her husband’s groomsmen for fuck’s sake! And her husband was one of ours! My husband said that it was for this very reason that he had always hid this relationship from everyone, but that now that he was going to therapy for his addiction and going to group meetings, that he didn’t feel right talking about it with them and not with me, his best friend to whom he owed the utmost honesty.

I have not been sure how I feel about all this. It is a bag of mixed emotions. On the one hand, I am glad that he had the guts to finally come clean and be honest with me on his own. On the other hand, I am devastated that he slept with this woman for over a year while I was living with him and going through some very difficult things such as my mother being in jail and my 13 year old brother living with us. On one hand this affair ended years ago and on the other I am having to deal with the destruction and betrayal of the memories of that time now. There are so many things in our house and about that time that remind me now of how I was betrayed.

We have been together for over 17 years and I wonder if it means anything. I used to brag about how long we had been together, because most of our friends haven’t experienced that, but now I realize that it was all just a fantasy I made up in my head of this man loving me so much that he would never do something like that or like any of the affairs he’s had. I now count three physical affairs and five online affairs. Who knows what he hasn’t told me or hasn’t remembered? He says that’s it, that I know everything now. How do I know, though?

The first week after he told me was still good though. He was proud of himself for telling me and I was glad he did. Then the weekend before last we went on a camping trip with several friends. We had a good time for the most part. I could feel things weren’t completely right, though, and he started to do his usual thing of spending a weird amount of time with other chicks and away from me. I know he didn’t have the time or space to do anything, but I know that it gives him a high to flirt with other women to get them to feel better about themselves. He also has a real talent for doing this. He’s a great charmer. On our way home, I said something to him about it, but he didn’t take it well. I said that I felt neglected and rejected when he would spend a lot of time talking to other women, leaving me to do things on my own (like pack the tent and make breakfast). I appreciate that he’s trying so hard to work on his addictive behavior, but this is a part of his behavior that I wasn’t sure he was aware of. He became angry and antagonistic. We ended up just getting into an argument.

I also feel like I can’t trust anyone to behave with any sort of decency. I feel like so many people I know are incredibly selfish, willing to do things that they know will break the hearts of other people, even the ones they care about. I know that there must be some good people out there, but I don’t feel like I know a single one who can be trusted to behave with integrity.

This is such a confusing process. I am feeling good about setting my boundaries and asking him for the treatment I know I deserve for once. I feel like he is being so selfish though. He is often depressed, resentful (of everyone, not just me, but most especially himself), and angry now. He mopes around feeling like he’s been such a shithead, which of course he has, but it feels like he isn’t spending much energy on doing anything about it, about making things better, about finding ways to show me the love and respect I deserve for once. Sometimes I feel like slapping him across the face and telling him to grow the fuck up, but I know it’s difficult for him. Growing up is hard for everyone.

It makes me wonder though if he’ll ever grow up. I have seen more signs of maturity since he admitted he was a sex addict, but I wonder if he will ever fully become a man and take responsibility for himself and his actions. Will he ever grow up enough to have empathy for and to think about people other than himself? How long do I give him to let him grow up? When do I move on?

To add to the difficulty of figuring out when enough is enough, I realize I don’t want to have children with a child. I want to have children with an adult man who will be responsible. But my time to have children is quickly running out. I am trying to come to terms with the fact that it may end up that if I stay with this man, I will never have children. Children may never be a part of my life. That’s a hard thing to come to terms with.

I feel like I never should have started dating or married him. I feel like I should have just avoided any relationships with anyone completely.

I feel trapped. I don’t want this. I don’t want to have to deal with any of this.